


Evacuate the Dancefloor

by Forthenightisdarkandfullofterror



Series: The Spiderling Chronicles [3]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Adopted Peter Parker, Angry IronDad, Drunk Peter Parker, Fluff, House Party, Peter is a Little Shit, Precious Peter Parker, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Underage Drinking, bad influence Ned Leeds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:48:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29009310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Forthenightisdarkandfullofterror/pseuds/Forthenightisdarkandfullofterror
Summary: "Its only a party, Peter! What could possibly go wrong?"Peter gets drunk. If Happy doesn't kill him first, Tony certainly will.Fluff ensues.
Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: The Spiderling Chronicles [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2106591
Comments: 9
Kudos: 161





	Evacuate the Dancefloor

**Author's Note:**

> 2 uploads in 1 day? Who do I think I am?  
> Srsly though I've been working on this story for a while now and as much as its just some fun I really enjoyed writing drunk Peter lol  
> plz do enjoy x

“It’s just Ned, Happy. I sleep over all the time!”

“Tony left you with me, not Ned.”

Peter tried to hide his frustration. He’d been trying to get Happy to agree to him sleeping over at Neds for at least ten minutes now and the older man was proving hard to budge.

Tony and Pepper had been away for four nights now at some important board meeting in Hong Kong. Tony had tried everything to get out of it, scared of leaving Peter for the first time since the adoption, he even tried to get Peter to come with him. It took Peter and Pepper three days to convince him he’d be completely fine with Happy.

“Surely you’d enjoy the night off. It’s just one night, I’ll go over, build the death star and watch Star Wars!”

Happy gave him a contemplating look. “I’ll drop you off and pick you up. No doing anything stupid.”

“Thanks, Happy!”

* * *

“Wait, we’re going to a party?”

Ned nodded. “MJs idea, you did agree to it a while ago.”

He did vaguely remember something about MJ explaining it would be good for decathlon team bonding if they all made an appearance at Flash’s party, much to his reluctance he found it say no when it came to MJ. “Yeah, I might have totally forgotten.”

“That’s fine, you’re staying over right? Happy won’t find out.”

Peter gave Ned an incredulous look. “Happy finds out about _everything_. Remember last week when we got chased down the street after school by some crazy cat lady? He knew before I even said hi!”

Ned rolled his eyes. “Come on Peter, it’s just a party! You’re a teenager, teenagers go to cool parties.”

“Ned when did you turn badass?”

“Everyone’s going, and we haven’t been to a party since homecoming!”

And hell did that feel like a lifetime ago. So much had happened since then. The Vulture, the fire, the adoption. More than he could even think about. He looked to Ned like he was hanging on Peter’s every word. “Fine.”

“Yes! Don’t worry, it’ll be great! Mom! We’re ready to go!” Peter didn’t get a second word in before Ned was shooting out his room, grabbing his hat as he ran down the stairs.

He could practically hear Happy screaming ‘Don’t do anything stupid’ at him but it was going to be fine. What could possibly go wrong?

* * *

“Free booze?”

“Yeah, Flash got it from his parents secret stash in the cellar. Here.”

Peter looked at the bottle of lager Ned passed him sceptically. “We’re 16.”

“Yeah? Sweet sixteen, Peter. A few drinks won’t get you drunk.”

Peter shrugged. “I don’t even know if I can get drunk.”

“What?”

“Crazy metabolism, remember? I’d probably just burn it all off.”

“So, you’re never gonna’ know what it’s like to be drunk? That sucks.”

Peter shook his head. “Guess it could be worse.”

“Maybe we should test it. see if it’s possible.” Ned suggested as if it were the most normal thing ever.

“Ned, I’m not getting drunk at Flash’s party.”

“Not drunk but like tipsy. Just to see if alcohol does have an effect, right?”

Peter gave him a doubtful look.

“It’ll be fun! Like an experiment. We’ll start with a beer, then two, assess effects, maybe a third and-“

“This is stupid.” And Happy would kill him.

“Oh, come on Peter, live a little.”

Peter gave him one last look and took a swig of the lager, trying not to gag on the bitter taste. “This stuff is revolting!”

Ned took a sip and hid his disgust much better than Peter. “Its fine. I’ll have one beer every three you do.”

“This is such a bad idea.” He said taking another gulp.

“Penis Parker drinking?” Flash’s voice came from behind, making the two turn.

“Just taking advantage of the free booze.” Peter quickly brushed off.

“Never thought I’d see the day. Cool.”

Ned turned to Peter wide eyed once Flash had flaunted away. “Did he just call you cool?”

“Maybe this is better than I thought.”

Two beers later Peter felt almost normal, so he took the third bottle.

“Anything?”

“Nothing.”

“Maybe a shot?” Ned suggested innocently.

“Sorry?”

“Shots – vodka or something.”

“Who are you and what have you done with Ned Leeds?”

“It’s fun Peter, come on its for science.”

Peter shook his head, following Ned to the kitchen.

Fast forward three shots and four beers later, Peter felt different. He was relaxed, his senses that seemed constantly dialled to 11 were dulling and he felt calm, carefree. At some point Ned had gone to find MJ, leaving Peter to walk around the Party which were al mostly outside around the pool.

He found Matt and Nathan he recognised from calculous and started dancing to what he thought was David Guetta, another beer in hand. Matt seemed to be pretty drunk from the way he was acting like Peter was his best friend, chatting and drinking together. Why were people nicer when they drank?

This was so unlike him, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. All of his problems seemed so minute now.

He just kept dancing, waving his hands to the beat whilst somehow not spilling his beer.

“Peter! Try this.”

Peter turned to find Ned holding out a red cup. “What’s that?”

“Vodka lemonade, made it myself.” Ned said, seemingly way too smug.

Peter gave him a doubtful look and took a sip. “Jesus Ned! You know the lemonade is meant to be the mixer, not the vodka.”

“Thought it would do the trick.” Ned laughed, watching Peter drink some more.

“You need to catch up, you’re not on my level.” Peter replied, still trying to dance whilst he sipped away at the drink.

“I don’t know, I’m starting to think maybe I should be umpiring you.”

“Um-what? You make no sense, dude.”

“Umpire, babysit. You’re drunk peter.” Ned laughed, watching Peter smile back even though Ned was pretty sure he still didn’t understand what Ned had said.

Peter shook his head. The tipsier he got; the more drinks seemed like a good idea. “Gotta’ pee.”

He stumbled upstairs to the bathroom, catching a look at himself in the mirror. He frowned. Was that him? He looked funny. His hair was all over the place, he’d lost his flannel top somewhere, now just in a plain t-shirt.

Oh my god was he drunk, could he even pee? Of course, he could, but how? The target was so small, and he could barely stand still. But its fine, as Mr Stark would say, you can only try your best.

Making his way back to the party he grabbed another beer from the side which mysteriously tasted better the more drunk he got. Most people were still outside, dancing and chatting and found Ned on the outskirts of the gathering.

“Peter there you are!”

“Jus’ went for a pee.”

“Peter you’re wasted.” Ned snorted as Peter swayed.

“Where’s MJ?”

“Oh, she found the cinema room, I think she’s set.”

He debated going to see her, but he was happy with the music and dancing. He could hear Latch playing in the background, grinning to Ned. “Dance.”

“No, Peter you know I can’t dance.”

“Come on!” Peter shouted over, backing into the crowds swaying from side to side like a terrible attempt at a salsa.

People had moved aside, almost forming a circle around Peter as he danced. It wasn’t terrible dancing if he weren’t off his face on alcohol it’d look pretty coordinated.

Ned followed reluctantly. He was never one to be the centre of attention, but he felt he should probably keep an eye on Peter since it was kind of his fault he was in this state.

“Look how sick my party is!” Flash said, on yet another Instagram live. “Oi Pete show us your moves!”

And Peter obliged, doing this crazy body pop thing Ned certainly didn’t know he knew how to do along to some generic pop song that just seemed to repeat the words _‘Body on my, losing all my innocence’._

To be fair to him he was doing well keeping to the beat until he fell over his feet and fell flat on his back. Luckily, he was laughing along with everyone so Ned was sure he couldn’t have hurt himself. He was just grateful he didn’t fall into the pool.

“Yo, Parker that was sick!” Flash shouted, still waving his camera in everyone’s faces.

And suddenly, Ned realised this was a mistake. He knew Happy kept tabs on Flash’s Instagram, it would be a matter of time before –

Neds phone started ringing. Shit. “H-hello?”

“Ned, get Peter out of there right now. I’m ten minutes from your location.”

“I’ll try but he’s um-“

“Shit faced? I can see that! What the hell was he thinking?”

“In his defence sir, it was only meant to be a few drinks.”

“You better hope Tony doesn’t here about this- shit he’s calling me. 10 minutes Ted.”

* * *

Happy took a breath. This was not the night he intended for himself. After dropping the kid off at Teds or Neds he’d finally put his feet up, watching some True Detective before Friday alerted him of Flash’s live stream.

And now Tony was calling.

“Tony! How’s the trip?”

“Happy, I’m giving you 30 seconds to explain.”

Happy swallowed. How could he know? Maybe this was something else, and if it was, he certainly wasn’t going to dub himself in it. “Explain? What do you mean? Everything’s fi-“ 

“Why the hell is my kid off his face at some party when I left clear instructions you were to stay with him?!”

Shit, Tony was furious. “I’m on my way to him. He told me he was going to Neds to build Lego!”

“I’m gonna’ kill that kid.”

“How did you-“

“Find out? Same way you did I presume, through Flash. I’ve already deleted the stream.”

“I’m sorry I let this happen.”

“Not your fault, just make sure he’s alright. I’m about an hour from the tower.”

“What? You’re not due back until tomorrow, its fine I’ve got it handled, Tony. It’s just some teens getting drunk.”

“It’s my _enhanced_ teen getting drunk. And I finished the meetings early anyways. I’ll call when we land.”

When Happy arrived, he found Peter flat out on the lawn, slurring things to Ned who looked like he was waiting for his execution.

He jogged over, relieved the kid hadn’t started climbing the walls as a party trick.

“Happy?” The kid garbled, squinting to focus his gaze on the older man. “Happy! H-hey wha’ you here f’r?”

“I’m taking you home. Now.”

He hurled the kids arm over his shoulder, pulling him into a standing position. He took the majority of the kid’s weight whose legs seemed to be like jelly.

“Hope it was worth it your dads gonna kill both of us.”

“Nah he loves us Hap-pea.”

He turned to Ned who look almost scared to breathe. “You able to get home okay?”

“Huh? Oh yeah, my mums on her way. I’m ugh, sorry about Peter.”

Happy nodded, dropping the kid into the passenger seat of the Audi and strapping him in. “I swear if you throw up in the car, I’ll never drive you anywhere again.” He muttered before turning to Ned again.

“Its okay, text Peter’s phone to let us know you’re home.”

Ned nodded so Happy slid into the driver’s side, pulling down the drive. This was going to be a painfully long 30-minute drive home.

“Y’mad?” Peter asked after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence.

“Yes.”

Peter looked almost surprised. “Huh.”

“When I said, ‘don’t do anything stupid’ did you take it as a challenge or are you just trying to get me fired?”

“Nu-uh Ned thought it’d b’fun.” He hiccupped. “Is kinda fun.”

Happy shot daggers at Peter. “Let me set this straight. Lying about where you are isn’t okay. And underage drinking is not _fun_ or _cool_.”

“S’rry Msr un-Happy.”

“Shut up.”

Peter gave him a childish sulky look before pulling out his phone.

“What are you doing?”

“Mm… Texting MJ.”

Happy grabbed the phone before he even finished the sentence, catching the kid by surprise. “Oh no. Absolutely not. You’re not drunk texting your girlfriend.”

“Sh’s not my girlfr’nd.”

“You had me fooled. No drunk texting, okay? It always ends badly.”

Peter nodded, looking around the car like he was bored. “This car makes me feel funny. Do you feel funny?”

“Do you feel sick?” Jesus, dealing with this is not what he was wanting to do with his Friday night.

“Mmm yeah.”

“Shit.” Happy slammed the breaks on, pulling over on the street and hurled the kid out before he emptied his stomach in a bush.

As angry as he was at the kid, it was never fun throwing up and it’s hardly like he hadn’t done the same at Peter’s age. “That’s it, Pete. Get it all up, you’ll feel better.” He said, rubbing a hand on Peter’s back.

Peter turned back to Happy, wobbling slightly. “Srry I-“

He held the kids jaw in one hand, wiping his face with a tissue with the other, trying to get rid of the remnants of sick. “Better?”

“Think so.”

He helped Peter back into the car before continuing back to the Tower where no doubt Tony would be waiting.

“Cars more fun now.” Peter turned the radio on for a split second before Happy turned it off.

“No, you are not trying to dance in the car.”

“What else are we supposed to do?”

“Maybe sleep.”

Peter gave him a grumpy look. “Boring.”

“Close your eyes Peter.”

“But ‘can’t see with m’eyes closed.”

“You also can’t sleep with your eyes open. Don’t test me kid.”

“M’kay.” Peter reluctantly accepted, falling asleep almost instantly after closing his eyes.

* * *

When Happy woke him up he still had the angry face on but it didn’t seem as bad as last time.

Like previously, Happy picked him out of the car with one arm over his shoulder to steady him, even when he insisted he could walk _fine_ himself. “I c’n do it myself, Hap.”

“I guarantee, you can’t.” Happy replied shortly, stopping in front of a figure.

“Peter squinted as if to test if the man before them was really there. “Y’back?”

Tony looked angry. Even angrier than Happy and that was saying something. “Yeah, there was me thinking I’d surprise you by coming home early.”

“Well, ugh…surprise!” Peter threw his arms up theatrically making Happy almost lose his balance.

Tony quickly jumped in to grab Peter’s other side. “Zip it. I don’t want to hear another word out of you.” Tony bit back, helping them into the tower.

“Happy.” Peter whispered, leaning over to Happy, getting carried between the two men. “Dads angry.”

“He is. So am I.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be happy, Happy? Get it? y’names Happy.”

“Peter, I swear to god. Shut it.” Tony cut in, struggling to balance the kids weight between he and Happy.

“I don’t like it when dads angry at me.” continued to Happy like Tony couldn’t hear.

“Kid.”

“Where we goin? Back t’party?”

“No. you’re never going to a party again. You’re officially grounded for the rest of your life.”

“Really? That’s a long time Msr St’rk… Sometimes I call you dad, is that okay? I hope tha’s okay ‘cause I like that you’re my dad. You’re a great dad you know? Apart from when youre being Angrydad I prefer Happydad. Not happy, I don’t prefer happy over you, not that I don’t love happy. I just love you more. Love you mostest.”

Tony glanced at Happy who was trying his best not to smile.

They placed Peter down in his bed. “Friday, scan Peter’s blood alcohol content.”

“BAC readings 0.17, boss.”

“Jesus, the kid doesn’t do things by halves does he?”

“At least it isn’t dangerous levels.” Happy added, “and he’s already thrown up so he should be fine now.”

Tony made a face to Happy that Peter couldn’t read.

“Im here y’know.”

“Shut it, kid. The adults are talking.”

“Y’could always leave but I hear you anyways.”

“I know.”

“Sometimes I hear ya’ talking. I don’t mean t’eavesdrop but my hearings crazy sensitive.”

Tony and Happy suddenly stopped talking and turned to Peter like there was definitely more to what he was saying.

“I heard you taking t’Pepper about the surprise vacation – which I c’n will act surprised by!”

Tony rolled his eyes. Of all the things to overhear that wasn’t too bad. “Well, there goes the big reveal.”

“And last week I heard Pepper say’n she doesn’t want me t’be Spider-guy.”

Oh. He settled on the edge of his bed, watching Peter’s confused face. “She’s only worried about you kid, she doesn’t want to see you hurt.” And to be fair on Peter he hasn’t been _that_ hurt. He only fell about 20 feet and by the time Tony had got there he was up and walking with only a few bruised ribs.

“I don’t like it when y’argue about me.”

“It wasn’t arguing, just an adult conversation about their vigilante son.”

“There w’s shouting.”

“A conversation expressing different opinions.” Tony corrected, seeing Happy supressing a laugh behind them.

Peter seemed satisfied with his answer until he added “I-I don’t want you guys to argue. ‘Specially over me, don’t want to make y’guys sad.”

Tony sighed, stroking Peter’s hair from his forehead. “Hey, we aren’t sad, you don’t make us sad, Pete. You make us so happy and we love you. And yeah, you might pull some stupid stunts like getting shit-faced at some lame party but that doesn’t change how much we love you, kid.”

Peter nodded, smiling slightly. “So… you’re not mad anymore?”

“Oh, I’m still mad. You’re in my bad books for the foreseeable future. And think about it, if you’re grounded Pepper can’t worry about you killing yourself swinging off buildings! Best of both worlds.”

“Wha? No Spider-ey? That-that’s no fair.”

“You know what else isn’t fair? Happy having to break speeding laws to get your sorry ass home before you started breaking out spider stunts.”

Peter glanced to Happy with a guilty look. “S’rry Hap-pea.”

“Just don’t do it again and we’re good.”

“I won’t. Pomise.”

“Pomise?” Tony repeated, trying not to laugh at the ridiculous mispronunciation.

“Pinky pomise.” Peter grinned eyes half lidded.

“Right, let’s get you to sleep.”

“I’ll get him some water, guess there’s no point getting aspirin?” Happy asked from Peter’s door.

“They’d be no use. Anyways, I want him to remember what a hangover feels like. Maybe it’ll stop him from being a moron in future.”

“’M not a m-moron.” Peter countered, trying to take his shirt off and failing considerably.

“Yes, you are. The biggest. But you’re my moron, so it’s okay.”

He lifted Peter into a sitting position, taking his sick stained shirt off and manoeuvring him into his pyjamas.

“You could try and help.” Tony tried, having to lift the kids whole weight to shuffle his flannel PJ trousers on.

“Tired.” Peter mumbled, Pulling the comforter up to his face.

“I know, Spiderling. You feeling sick still?”

“No, jus headache an’ tired.” Tony smiled sympathetically. The man’s anger seemed completely gone now, Peter finding a soft look in his dad’s eyes.

“You’re gonna’ have one hell of a hangover kid.” Tony said softly, carding through his kid’s hair.

“’M glad you’re back.”

Tony smiled. “Same. Everything’s so much more boring without you laughing at my jokes.”

The kid hummed. “Love you dad.”

“I love you more.”

Peter shook his head. “No y’don’t… impossible. I love you 3000.”

Tony grinned; hand now placed lightly on the side of the kids face. “That’s a lot, you sure?”

“Yep.”

Tony leaned over, pressing a kiss to the kid’s temple.

“Get some sleep, kid. I love you 4000.” He added in before closing the door.

In the morning he would face a conversation about the motives behind him deciding to get drunk where Tony would lecture him about the importance of never depending on drinking as a coping mechanism and then almost making him sign a formal agreement of never touching alcohol again. But for now, he slept in peaceful safety to the sound of his dad’s heartbeat in the room next door.

**Author's Note:**

> Btw the songs referenced was where them girls at by David Guetta, Latch by Disclosure and Body by Loud Luxury (yes I was listening to my party playlist writing this and its very 2000s XD) 
> 
> if you enjoyed this little one shot do let me know leaving kudos and comments (and as always, prompts forever encouraged) <3 you guys brighten my day x


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